Understandably, the relationship between a stepmom and a biological mom is complex. Occasionally friendly, but often stressful, hurtful, and confusing.
Even on their best behavior, these two women, who are helping to raise a child in their own way, come from different perspectives and world views.
All in all, it’s statistically more likely to suck than succeed.
When I started this blog, I knew that I would never write any specifics about my relationship with my stekids’ mother. It is a boundary I will not cross without express permission from her, which I do not plan to seek out.
I will, however, say that I do not want to minimize how difficult and complicated this dynamic is for stepmoms and moms. It pulls at everyone’s emotional strings more than I ever knew possible before going through it.
But it doesn’t have to suck. There are things you can try that will help improve your relationship with biomom.
Fortunately, there are many different perspectives on how this can be done. Because there are so many different variations of stepmom-biomom relationships, it helps to get a variety of ideas and weed through which may work best for you.
If any of the recommendations from these experienced stepmoms resonates with you, be sure to click through to their website to read the full post.
BlendedandBlack.com
Naja, over at Blended and Black, gives us the following tips for dealing with a biomom who is putting a stepmom on a rollercoaster of emotion – friendly one moment then hostile the next.
She says, ” Because she has demonstrated repeatedly that she does not care about your feelings, it’s up to you to protect them. You do this by releasing biomom from any sort of expectation of being consistent with you. That’s it! That’s all you gotta do!”
If only it were as simple as making the decision to do it and…poof…it’s done.
However, because we all know it’s not that easy, Naja gives the following advice:
- Don’t engage [with biomom] if you don’t feel up to it
- Show a little compassion to the woman
- Allow your husband to communicate with his kid’s mom
- Take the lead [in discussing the issue with biomom]
Her points make it clear that you can and should dictate your own relationship with biomom, regardless of her behavior. With the exception of engaging about the kids, which she says can be done by your spouse, you can chose to interact or not.
You can read the full post here.
Jamiescrimgeour.com
Jamie offers up her advice for engaging with your stepchild’s mom if she “wants nothing to do with you.”
There are six things you can do if you’re in a situation where birthmom doesn’t want to have a healthy co-parenting relationship:
- Reach out and make sure your intentions are clear
- Don’t take it personally
- Apologize
- Always be the bigger person
- Remember we all have different truths
- Let it go
This advice is solid and actionable. And ends with a very important reminder.
“We all have to do what we feel is best for us in any given moment! Even though it may be better for the kids to have open dialogue between to two women in their lives, you have to respect that it’s not a priority for her at this point in time!”
You can read the full post here.
Socialstepmom.com
Social Stepmom features some great advice by Lara, known as the Yogi Lama on the site.
Lara’s advice, based around how stepmom and biomom can work together, contains action plans for the suggestions she provides. You will notice that each of the 4 items can be done individually, so if one doesn’t work for your family another might.
In order to work together as a team, according to Lara, you can:
- Set a stepmom mantra
- Create a text group and share pictures
- Attend special events together
- Try to have consistent rules & expectations
Working together is how Lara sees stepfamilies thriving. “We are a T-E-A-M, no matter what it takes or how hard it gets; we are going to stick together. Our shared purpose is to nurture {our} children to grow up to be well-adjusted, balanced, contributing citizens of the world who treat all people and animals who cross their path with dignity and compassion.”
You can read the full post here.
Stepmomming.com
Kristen at Stepmomming.com shares her advice about finding the perfect ratio of negative to positive interactions between you (stepmom) and your stepchild’s mother.
“Despite the negative interactions (conflict over an early pickup request, an eyeroll in your direction, or your stepchild telling you about something that happened at his mom’s house that doesn’t fit with the rules in your house), you need more interactions with the mom (and positive ones!) to offset those negative interactions,” writes Kristen.
This ratio, 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction, is backed by a study that shows anything below this ratio indicates a relationship is “less than healthy.”
Although acknowledging this advice doesn’t work as well for high-conflict situations, it is still a good goal to shoot for positive interactions within any mother/stepmother relationship.
Her advice is followed-up with a very practical list of ways to have a possitive interaction (bringing a coffe or treat to pickups, smiling at her, etc).
You can read the full post here.
StepmomHelp.com
She may be offering advice to stepmoms for taking a step back and considering your actions, but Jenna at Stepmom Help also gives pretty valuable tips for managing interactions between a stepmom and a birthmom.
Jenna explained a scenario where she offered some solid tips (she thought) to her husband’s ex about why she was wrong.
It will suprise no one that her advice was not well received.
She learned from the experience that you don’t need to explain to mom how you are right. The information will be useless coming from you. Don’t waste your time or energy trying to change her.
In addition, stepmoms should try to accept birth mom for who she is.
“It doesn’t mean we have to like her, be okay with her actions, respect her as a person, or even have contact with her. It just means we say goodbye to expending our energy on wishing she was different. It means we take back our power by redirecting our energy onto ourselves, our marriage, and our family; where it belongs and where it will benefit us most.”
In this way, you can be true to yourself and how you want to act with and around birth mom.
You can read the full post here.
TheEvilStepMotherSpeaks.com
Barb at The Evil Stepmother Speaks shares her fascinating thoughts on a conversation between herself, a stepmom, and her friend, a birth mom. She walks through this cautionary tale for our own interactions. Additionally, she offers her solution to the dangers we face in maintaining a positive co-parenting relationship.
She was able to identify three areas where conflict arose between the two in the course of their conversation.
They were both highly sensitive to the subject, their emotions were volatile and noticeable, and she could hear the jealousy coming from both perspectives.
In the end, she says, ” The answer lies in empathy. Empathy means you can walk a mile in each other’s shoes. Listen to the show and see if you can find room to consider the other person’s point of view.”
You can read the full post here.
A hopeful outlook
The amazing thing about time is, it tends to heal wounds. Hurt feelings and harsh words fade into the background.
With some time, a concentrated effort, and luck, perhaps it’s possible to have a positive co-parenting relationship with your stepkid’s mom.
At the very least, if you try some or all of these methods, you can sleep well at night knowing you tried to create a healthy environment for you and your step kids.
(Motivational speech ahead…)
Just as you are hoping she can move on from past hurt, you can do the same. Don’t let your past with her dictate your future.
Take steps now and maybe things will be different this time next year.
Remember, you don’t have to be best friends. But being able to co-parent with her is better for your sanity and the wellbeing of the kids you both care about.
If you have a positive relationship with your stepkid’s biomom, I would love to hear about it. Leave a message below with your experience!
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